Not long ago, I was right where you are. Emotionally drowning in a sea of confusion, frustration and, no matter how what or how hard I tried, nothing ever made a lasting improvement. I was in agony and would wonder what would happen to my kids if one morning I just didn’t wake up.
A very brief internet search offered the key: NARCISSIST. I called my best friend and said, “I think X might be a narcissist.” Without skipping a beat, “Ya think?” she quipped. Mind you, this was long before it was a ubiquitous word and usually just another term for a conceited person. It wasn’t nearly as complex as it is now. Well, I found the motherlode. I began seeking out podcasts and blogs. I finally had an explanation why NOTHING EVER WORKED. I was living with a person absolutely committed to conflict, chaos, cruelty and causing confusion.
After over two decades of thinking I was doing what was best for my kids by staying, being cyclically crushed by disappointment and discouragement from toxic hope (AKA HOPIUM), I came to the radical acceptance that, not only was it never going to improve, but I could now identify distinct markers of it worsening. Each one of my five kids was in therapy, on meds, acting out, some combination of those or all of the above. I gave myself permission to save us. I gave myself permission to leave.
Leaving didn’t happen that day I decided, but it did happen. I wish I could say I had it all planned out and was fully prepared, but sadly, no. The kids and I left abruptly during a rage-filled attack and never went back.
That led to a period of displacement, multiple lawyers, lots of therapy appointments, an almost 4 year divorce, crushing debt, buckets of tears but also … HOPE. Even in the midst of all that (and much, much more), a glowing light appeared inside me, in what I have come to call my Heart Guarden. Sure, it would wax and wane, brighter some days and dimmer others, but it was inextinguishable. Now it shines like the Caribbean sun even at night.
You’re going to get there. And I’m going to help you.
WHY I DECIDED TO BECOME A COACH
Me